Dead man walking
by jkbeliever
Summary: post I do Jack's thoughts as he's waiting for Kate to radio him back.


**author: **jkbeliever

**title: **Dead man walking

**rating: **T

**summary:** post "I Do" – Jack's thoughts as he's waiting for Kate to radio him back. short, angsty and just plain sad… has Jate overtones.

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He believes he's going to die. That is the most logical conclusion and he always considered himself a fan of logical thinking. 'Man of science', that's how Locke described him back when things weren't as messed up as they are now. But Jack doesn't really care for labels… he believes in action and consequence. And when he made up his mind as to cutting into Ben's kidney sack he knew he would have to deal with the consequences of this action. And during last - almost sleepless - night he figured that he would pay for this deed with his life.

But he did it anyway.

He's seen the question in Juliet's eyes. He still sees it from across the room when he's standing over Ben's body, gripping tightly the walkie-talkie. He returns her gaze unblinkingly. He doesn't care what she's thinking. He's not even sure she wanted Ben to die even though she showed him that tape. He doesn't care about that either.

He doesn't care about much right this minute.

All he cares about is Kate. He wants her to run. He wants her to be safe. He wants her to be as happy as it's possible on this island.

He had spent the last couple of days trying to figure out a way to enable their escape. Kate's. Sawyer's. His. He wanted to rip them out of the Others' clutches and he thought he hit the pay dirt when he found out what exactly Ben wanted him to do. And he was so close…

Even Kate's obvious pain from yesterday didn't lessen his resolve. He hated causing her even more pain but when she crumbled before his eyes he knew he had to be strong for both of them. So he had been cruel and insensitive to her tears playing the ace in his sleeve for what it was worth. And that was the last time he would see her…

The woman he loved.

Crying and begging him to save Sawyer's life.

The man she obviously loved.

That was the story of Jack's life. He pondered it mirthlessly during the night. He always ended up reading women wrong. And he always ended up being left out in the rain. He wanted to feel bitter. He wanted to hate Kate with all his being. Everything would be so much easier then. Maybe he could actually go through with the deal he made with Ben. Operation for getting off the island. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't turn this unrequited love into hate. Could he blame Kate for her actions? For choosing Sawyer? Was it ever a competition really? There were moments when he thought he made it all up. The glances. This connection they shared. Solace they found in each other… Not all of this was his fantasy – he knew it. Much of this could be due to his wishful thinking but not all… She spent time with him on her own volition. She was the one that kissed him. She was the one that waited a tad longer than it was necessary to untangle the net they fell into. So there was something there. Maybe their... friendship could have evolved into something more but he would never know now.

Because of Sawyer.

He always seemed to be there in the background. He was the one Kate ran to whenever things got too tough between her and Jack. No… it was the other way around. Jack was the temporary obstacle on her way to Sawyer. She was just confused for some time.

Well, apparently not anymore.

He can't forget the image he saw on this monitor. It evokes the same pain anytime it flashes in his mind's eye. Them. Together. Tangled in each other. Half-naked. It's like a dagger to his heart – over and over again.

He just wants the pain to stop.

So this is the new reality. Kate runs. Sawyer's with her. They both get to safety. And they would be able to live their 'happily ever after', at least Jack hopes so. He wants it to be his final gift for her – a chance at true happiness. All he wants in return is a little trip down the memory lane to the time he met a woman he gave his heart to. And after he relives that first meeting with Kate and knows that they're safe, he'll finish the operation.

And then he will die here… in this place.

Maybe not today… Probably not today – these people would want to make sure that Ben is truly all right, before they kill him… But a week, or two, was all he had.

And it's okay.

He has nothing to live for anyway.

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so how about commenting this fic, hm? ;-)

any feedback will be deeply appreciated 


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